The Funnies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ_CM-1DqrA

Pagan funnies

Misplaced Deity sought by Christians…..!

So, I’m standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A car load of well meaning, bible thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle aged professionally dressed woman rushes forward…She takes my arm and with trembling voices she asks….”Have you found Jesus?” Her eyes plead with an urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop.

Now normally I just politely decline the sermon, and free religious paperwork that such folk pawn off on unsuspecting by-standers. But, unfortunately for her, she is the forth car to accost me in the last 9
minutes. So by now I’m beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with these people. I mean if its not Christians it is the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Can a simple Druid get no peace?

So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic I reply, “You people lost him, again??”

The woman looks confused. This is not the response she was hoping for and she needs to regroup. She takes a deep breath intending to launch into her sales pitch for her God, and church, paying no heed to the concept that I might not be into being converted. I decide to not let her get going so I launch into a speech of my own…

“What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you’ve lost Him!” I hit her with a glare of accusation. “I mean really…” I take a measured breath. “How do you expect to have anyone follow a deity that you can’t even find!”

The poor woman looks stunned. This isn’t going so good. Panicked she looks desperately to the car… Surely one of the men can help…. Undaunted I press on… “Maybe the problem is with you people… I mean Muslims never seem to loose there deity. Come to think of it neither do Jews, or Pagans of any kind.”

I look at the man getting out of the car. He’s all smiles. “I realize you people used to burn people like me at the stake…What was that about… deity even? I may be a Pagan-heathen, but I have never ever woke up panicked that I couldn’t find my Goddess or God. They are always right where they should be… In the fire of my candle, in the air that I breath, in the earth that I stand on, in the water of my spring. I never feel abandoned by my deity(ies).”

“Of course, you Christians aren’t much fun…” I continue. By now they are all out of the car. Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words. “Of course,” I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. “He could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly He was Jewish. So if you are really so eager to find him…” I smile gently to soften the blow. “Check the nearest synagogue. He’s probably in there. Also you folks should try and remember that this is America…
Where freedom of religion means ALL religions.”

Slowly they climb back into their car and drive away. I stand at the bus stop… No pamphlets, no bible, no dogma. I haven’t found Jesus, but I haven’t lost him eithe

You might be a Redneck Pagan if…

If you think “widdershins” refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door….
If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg….
If you think a goblet is a young turkey….
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse….
If you call your coven mates “Bud” and “Sis”….
If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13….
If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene….
If you pronounce “Athame” as “Athaym” and “Samhain” as “Sammon” or “Sam-hayn”….
If you think a “Sidhe” is a girl….
If your idea of the “Goddess” is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team….
If your Bard plays the banjo….
If your ‘Long Lost Friend really IS….
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars….
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod….
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head….
If you call the Quarters by invoking “Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob”….
If you call the Gods by hollerin’ “Hey y’all, watch me!”….
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back….
If you’ve ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker….
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun….
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots….
If you’ve ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff….
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21….
If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words “After you turn off the paved road”….
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag….
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle….
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still….
If you use an engine block for an altar….
If your High Priestess is your cousin – as well as your wife….
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, “Ya’ll come on down, ya hear?”….
If your pickup truck has an Athame rack….
If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)….
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar….

You might be a Redneck Pagan!
Redneck Astrological Signs

Okra December 22 – January 20 – Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin January 21 – February 19 – Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they’re uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Boll Weevil February 20 – March 20 -You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

Moon Pie March 21 – April 20 – You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. “Big” and “round” are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum April 21 – May 21 – When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a “don’t-bother-me-about-it” attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

Crawfish May 22 – June 21 – Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically.

Collards June 22 – July 23 – Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish July 24 – August 23 – Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits August 24 – September 23  – Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts September 24 – October 23 – You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best – your friends and loved ones – may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Bean October 24 – November 22 –  Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo November 23 – December 21 – You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you, Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.
Top Ten Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian
10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”

3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.
A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents

Dear Mr. and Mrs.______

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don’t take this the wrong way,
however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is “drawing down the moon.” I told her that her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from doing any drawing until then. And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term “skyclad” mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal’s Office. She explained to the Principal that she was “opening the Circle” to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an “athame” in her hand, that she could put someone’s eye out. I don’t know what an “athame” is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don’t really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.

One of Aradia’s worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was “Do As you will, but Harm None” and she will not stop saying “So Mote It Be” after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. ___________
You Might be Giving Pagans a Bad Name if…

You insist that your boss call you “Rowan Starchild” because otherwise you’d sue for religious harassment.
(Score double for this if you don’t let that patronizing bastard call you “Mr. or Ms. Starchild.”)

You’ve ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.

You’ve ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.

You said it was bigotry when they didn’t let you do that ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.

You picketed The Craft & Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.

You’ve ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire, faerie, or demigod & been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

You’ve ever publicly claimed to be the reincarnation of Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le Fay, or Jim Henson & been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

You’ve suddenly realized in the middle of a ritual that you weren’t playing D&D.

You’ve failed to realize at any point in the ritual that you weren’t playing D&D.

You’ve suddenly realized that you are playing D&D.

Your Book of Shadows is a rulebook for Vampire: The Masquerade with notes in the margins.

You’ve ever effected an Irish or Scottish accent & insisted that it was real.

You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you save places for them in crowded restaurants) (Score triple if you admit to having sex with them)

You’ve ever claimed to have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula. (Score double if you got into a fight & escaped) (Score triple if it was no contest)

You own a ceremonial bong.

You’ve ever tried something you saw on Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

You’ve ever had to go along with someone’s ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be truer than most of the crap you spout.

You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.

You’ve won an argument by referencing Drawing Down the Moon, knowing damn good & well they haven’t read it either.

You’ve ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.

Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle “in perfect love & perfect lust.”  (Score double if you argued the point.)

You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but you’re not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)

You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don’t get this one.)

Someone once lost their boat delivering your ritual incense from Mexico.

You’ve ever used tongue delivering the fivefold kiss. (Score double if you did it more than once.)

You’ve ever used reincarnation as the intro for a pick up line. (You may deduct this point if it worked.)

You think it’s perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different & no one tradition is right, there’s no reason not to do things your way.

You request Samhain, Beltaine & Yule off & then bitch about working Christmas.

The thing that drew you to the Craft was the potential to dance with naked members of the opposite sex.

You strip in a club like the one in Porky’s under your craft name & consider it highly appropriate.

You’ve ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave & suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.

You’ve ever achieved position or influence in a coven by sleeping with half of it.

You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were trained by the wise & powerful such-&-such. Of whom nobody has heard.

You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan Rites.

You’re not a hereditary witch but you have a good disposition to it because your ancestors (the ones before your German parents) were Native American or Irish.

You don’t know the difference between Irish & Scottish & you alternately claim to be both.

You think it’s your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, damn it, they’re IRISH.

You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners.

You hang out with people who each match at least fifteen of these traits.

You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test isn’t about you. But, boy, it’s right about those other folks.

Pagan Library

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: